


The Peanut Gallery

by Eralk Fang (EralkFang)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Conspiracy Theories, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-03-07
Packaged: 2018-05-25 20:03:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6208258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EralkFang/pseuds/Eralk%20Fang
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>lt.e.baggano</b><br/>All I’m saying is that you cannot hate someone that much without touching their dick</p><p>In which Lt. Sing and Lt. Baggano have a lot of theories about General Hux and Lord Ren and Lt. Mitaka is <em>appalled</em>, but not for long.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Peanut Gallery

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [the following prompt at tfa_kink](https://tfa-kink.dreamwidth.org/2821.html?thread=4283653#cmt4283653), although it's certainly much less cracky than the prompt deserves:
>
>> A documentary narration of their hatefueled interactions as mating rituals.
> 
> Spot the Eddie Izzard and _Nightmare on Elm Street_ references and win INTERNET BUCKS. I am not sure what they're good for, but you will have earned them.

**lt.e.baggano**  
All I’m saying is that you cannot hate someone that much without touching their dick

 **lt.s.sing**  
or whatever situation he has we shouldn’t assume anything

 **lt.e.baggano**  
agreed. but i think my point still stands

 **lt.s.sing**  
oh, i totally agree, you can’t hate someone that much unless you’ve banged

 

“Do you think the Resistance speculates wildly about their superior officers’ private lives on Channel?” Lt. Mitaka says loudly, behind Lt. Sing and Lt. Baggano’s stations.

Sing yelps, blushes furiously, and covers her work station with her hands, but Baggano just looks back at him evenly, as if he’s caught her doing nothing out of the ordinary. To be fair, this is nothing out of the ordinary for Baggano.

“No, sir!” she says with relish. “I do not think for a moment that the Resistance splashed out for the license on this software, no.”

Mitaka rolls his eyes. They’re all the same rank, but Baggano likes to call him “sir” when she thinks he’s getting too testy with protocol. It’s extremely patronizing. It’s also the closest thing to a nickname he has.

“Who are you two gossiping about, anyway?” Mitaka asks.

“General Hux and Lord Ren,” Sing offers, having recovered from being startled, her face slowly turning back to its normal brown color.

Mitaka goggles at them. “I’m sorry, _what_ —”

Sing and Baggano are saved from having to answer him by a sudden siren. They turn to their stations diligently as Mitaka scuttles off to his.

 

What an absurd notion—General Hux and Lord _Ren_ , of all people! But Mitaka can’t stop thinking about it in a horrified kind of way. General Hux is the very model of a modern First Order gentleman and quite handsome besides, in Mitaka’s opinion. And Lord Ren is… well, Mitaka doesn’t like to use strong language, even in private. And setting aside the fact that Force users are supposedly supposed to be celibate, they just _hate_ each other so much. Once, Mitaka saw General Hux glare so venomously at Lord Ren that he, who had not even been in a five foot radius, felt like his face had been burned off.

The next time he sees Sing and Baggano—off-duty, training in the gymnasium—he has to ask.

“Why,” he asks, without greeting them, “would General Hux even be interested in Lord Ren?”

Sing looks up from the datapad she’s lazily leafing through. She’s supposedly spotting Baggano, who is doing those weird push-ups where you clap at the top, despite sitting in a chair she’s dragged over to the mats. “Because he’s a droid,” she answers, as if it’s obvious.

Mitaka gapes at her for a moment, before managing to sputter out: “But he _breathes_!”

“You put that much fabric on a droid that big and see how well the ventilation system holds up!” Sing says, jabbing a finger at him.

Mitaka turns to Baggano for some logical support, but Baggano grunts and shakes her head. “I know it sounds wacky, but hear her out.”

Mitaka rolls his eyes and scoffs. “Fine. So you’re saying that Lord Ren is General Hux’s personal…” he glances around the gymnasium, as if Lord Ren is going to leap out and attack him. “Pleasure droid?” he finishes, in a much quieter voice.

Sing laughs and clutches the datapad to her chest. “Don’t be silly. I think all the Knights of Ren are surveillance droids sent by the Supreme Leader to keep an eye on operations.” Before Mitaka can even _begin_ to process that, she drops her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “I mean, had you ever heard of the Knights of Ren until Lord Ren was assigned to the _Finalizer_?”

Mitaka thinks back. “Well, no,” he grants.

“And why would we need a Force user onboard? Have we ever run into any problem that would require the judicious application of the Force to fix?”

“No…” Mitaka says, but an obvious hole in Sing’s argument occurs to him. “But… droids can’t be Force users—only living beings can be Force users.”

Sing grins at him. “Smoke and mirrors, Mitaka! How would you or I tell if what Ren is doing is the power of the Dark Side… or sufficiently advanced technology?”

Mitaka doesn’t want to agree, but it is true—they would have no way of knowing. Sing barrels on, rising to her feet. “And those stupid tantrums of his? Those are preprogrammed to throw us off the scent. Mitaka, have you ever even seen his face?”

“No—”

“That’s because _the helmet is his face_.” Sing spreads her arms wide as if to dare him to contradict her, datapad clutched in her left hand.

It’s… it’s very out there, as theories go, but it almost makes sense. It would certainly explain a lot about the mysterious Lord Ren.

Although not about the theory he actually came here to ask them about.

“But if Lord Ren is a droid, according to you two—”

“I am completely agnostic on this subject,” Baggano protests.

“According to you,” Mitaka corrects himself, “then why would General Hux be interested in a _droid?_ ”

“Because General Hux is so perfect that only a droid could satisfy him,” Sing says rapturously.

“Sing’s in love with General Hux,” Baggano says, matter-of-factly. She yelps and falls to the mat when Sing kicks her in the arm.

“I am _not_ in love with General Hux!” Her protest is loud enough that the trio hovering around the weights turns to stare at her. She blushes floridly (Mitaka marvels at how quickly she can go beet red) and stares down at her bare toes. “I just sometimes, you know, have this urge to mop his brow and comfort him and tell him how great he is…”

That’s rather sweet. Mitaka can’t deny he’s had the same impulse himself sometimes.

“…after I’ve railed him until he cries and he’s super-into it because he’s perfect,” she mumbles to the floor.

On second thought, Mitaka definitely doesn’t have the same impulse Sing has towards General Hux.

“What Sing lacks in confidence, she makes up for in ambition,” Baggano says amiably, popping to her feet. She gives Sing a sisterly slap on the back that makes her almost double over.

 

“I just don’t _see_ it,” Mitaka confesses. “You make a really good case for the droid thing, I have to admit, but… the other thing…”

“The thing where they’re having sex?” Sing asks. They’re sharing a half-ration in the hangar bay, dangling their legs over the ledge they’re perched on. It’s very pleasant, Mitaka thinks, sitting here with her, talking about nonsense. They’re really hitting it off.

“Yes,” Mitaka says. “ _That_. What makes you two think that?”

“Well,” Sing says thoughtfully, swallowing her mouthful of ration, “the way they hate each other just seems so intimate. Like… you know Thanisson?”

“Thanisson is the worst,” Mitaka says, automatically.

“Oh, yeah, Thanisson is the _worst_ ,” Sing agrees. “But I don’t think about him unless I have to look at him, right? I don’t spend my time upbraiding him for being so awful, or having arguments where our faces are so close that we could kiss.” They both make a face at the idea of kissing Thanisson. He looks about twelve. “Thanisson’s awfulness doesn’t affect me at all! It doesn’t keep me up at night, thinking of ways to punish him.”

Mitaka shudders. “You think General Hux stays up at night thinking of ways to punish Lord Ren?”

“I think General Hux thinks about Lord Ren _a lot_ , is what I think.” Sing slaps Mitaka’s arm with the back of her hand. “I mean, look!”

Mitaka follows Sing’s line of sight to see General Hux and Lord Ren enter the hangar bay below them, accompanied by a trio of stormtroopers. They’re safely out of view, but Mitaka still experiences a jolt of instinctive fear whenever he actually lays eyes on Lord Ren.

They’re clearly arguing about something, but they’re too far away for him to make out what they’re saying. Looking at them through Sing and Baggano’s eyes, Mitaka suddenly notices how closely they’re standing together, how intently focused on Lord Ren the general is. When General Hux lays a hand on Lord Ren’s arm and Lord Ren angrily bats it away, it looks less the preface to a brawl and more like a lovers’ spat. Mitaka feels his face color.

“Oh, Ren,” Sing says under her breath in a nasal impersonation of the general, “I burn for the cold touch of your mechanical digits.” Mitaka snort-laughs, despite himself. “Must you go away on some obviously fake mission for the Supreme Leader?” she continues. “I’d rather have you charging yourself nightly in my personal quarters.”

Mitaka takes the last bite of his ration and they watch Lord Ren wave his unignited lightsaber about to punctuate whatever point he’s trying and failing to make. General Hux waves off a stormtrooper who tries to get between them, puts his hands on his hips, and huffs. Mitaka is suddenly reminded of something.

“His pulse and breathing cannot quicken, but something in his chest becomes more electric around the General,” he recites from memory, adapting the passage to the situation at hand. “A feeling of fullness, of power, of dark and demon mastery—of secret lusts, unrestrained passion, wild submission—all these things were in Lord Ren’s heart as he neared his general. These things and more.”

Sing stares at him. There’s a smear of ration on her chin, Mitaka notices. “Mitaka, that is _beautiful_.”

Mitaka flushes with pride. “It’s, ah, from this terrible Imperial romance novel I used to read all the time at the Academy. It’s about…” Mitaka glances at General Hux and Lord Ren, who are now squaring off warily on the floor of the hangar bay. “Well, it’s about Emperor Palpatine and Lord Vader,” he whispers to Sing.

Sing grips his arm with her deceptively strong hand. “May I borrow it?”

 

“Don’t you two ever get nervous that General Hux and Lord Ren will find out what you’re saying about them? They say Lord Ren can read minds.”

Mitaka and Baggano are taking a shortcut through the senior officers’ quarters—Baggano much more leisurely than he is. He always feels nervous taking this shortcut and normally avoids it, but Baggano managed to bully him into it by virtue of being taller and louder than he is.

Baggano scoffs. “I don’t buy it. If Sing’s right, then he totally can’t. And if she’s wrong and he _is_ a dream warrior or whatever? There are what, like, a million people onboard?”

“83,465 at last head count,” Mitaka says automatically. Baggano squints at him, clearly suppressing the urge to call him a nerd. They seem to be making some progress as friendly acquaintances, he thinks, although he prefers Sing’s quieter (although no less weird) company.

“Like I said, a million people. He probably gets so much interference that he can’t leave it running in the background without his head exploding. He probably has no idea who…”

Baggano trails off, distracted. She takes an exaggerated step backward and then flattens herself to the wall, pressing her ear to it.

“What is it?” Mitaka asks, dropping his voice to a whisper.

“It’s _them_!” she hisses at him. “It’s Lord Ren and General Hux!”

“ _What?_ ”

Baggano shushes him, waving her arm at him theatrically. “I think…” Baggano says, and presses closer to the wall. “I think they’re fighting. Yeah, that’s definitely—”

Baggano’s face lights up with maniacal glee. “That’s definitely _grunting_.” She grins at him.

“Oh, I can’t _know_ this,” Mitaka groans.

There’s a sudden screeching noise, and Baggano springs away from the wall as the nearest door opens. She grabs Mitaka’s hand, and Mitaka’s trying to shake her sweaty hand off when General Hux storms through the door in an imperious whirl of coat and glaring eyes, freezing them in their tracks.

He always cuts an imposing figure, but today Mitaka fixates on General Hux’s mouth. His lip is split, blood lurid on his otherwise pale face.

“What are you two looking at?” he snarls, and Mitaka wants to pass out. Baggano’s hand tightens on his.

“Nothing, _sir_!” she barks smartly, but she has to be nervous, too. Mitaka can tell, because Baggano, to his knowledge, does not usually have a Coruscanti accent.

The general’s nostrils flare, but this seems satisfactory—he continues storming off. Baggano yanks Mitaka along as she tries to peer into the room beyond, but the door’s already closed. Mitaka is so mortified that he just flees, dragging her along in the opposite direction of wherever General Hux is going.

“Did you see that? Lord Ren split his lip open!” Baggano hisses in his ear.

“Then they _must_ have been fighting,” Mitaka hisses back. “It’s the simplest explanation!”

“ _Or_ General Hux tried to make out with an angry droid—oh my stars and _garters_ , Sing was _right_!” Baggano cackles triumphantly all the way back down the hall, even as Mitaka maneuvers back exactly the way they came.

 

“Could someone please tell me why we can build a planet-sized superweapon and yet somehow not dry a single tray?” Sing asks archly as she sits down next to Baggano in the canteen. Baggano ignores her, apparently trying to see how quickly she can scarf down her rations without getting sick.

“Well, Starkiller Base is way more important than the trays,” Matt says, in his droning monotone. Sing squints as she eyes Matt warily. Mitaka makes pleading eyes at her. It was either sit with Matt or not sit at all. At least it wasn’t Thanisson.

“Mmm,” Sing says noncommittally. They eat in silence. Mitaka prays Matt will just finish up and leave immediately, because he wants to ask Sing what she thought of _The Emperor’s Secret Temptation._

“So…” Matt says, and Mitaka groans internally, because it’s the familiar warmup to his favorite question in the entire universe. “What do you guys think of Kylo Ren?”

“Droid.” Sing says, primly sipping her coffee.

“ _Droooid_ ,” Baggano singsongs.

“What?” Matt gapes at them, ill-fitting glasses sliding down his nose. He shoves them back up with a finger. “I’m… he’s not a droid. He’s a guy. Like, a really handsome, super ripped, totally regular _guy_.”

“Uh huh.” Baggano swallows her last mouthful of ration and scrunches her face up, sizing up Matt as if he’s a threat. Which, Mitaka knows, she considers any man with the audacity to be taller than her. (She’s not that tall.) “I got a question for _you_ , Matt.”

“Is it about Kylo Ren?” he asks eagerly.

“General Hux and Lord Ren—totally boning, right?”

Maybe it was worth it to sit with Matt at luncheon today, Mitaka thinks, just to watch him turn every color of the rainbow.

**Author's Note:**

> The quote from _The Emperor's Secret Temptation_ is [an actual, honest-to-God quote from the official novelization of _Return of the Jedi_.](http://orlofsky.tumblr.com/post/136394600191)


End file.
